i was one of them:

- i was one of those people who seek comfort in the warmth of cafés; the smell of coffee and cake; the company of strangers barely noticing my presence... i used to take refuge in the sound of other people's chitchat. its hypnotic effect, drowns my thoughts and worries and i find momentary peace.

- i was one of those people who suffered from stress, anxiety and insecurities; i was always aiming for perfection. i used to fulfill myself with cravings, basically food and liquor. but i was such a perfectionist, i never let them in my system. i threw them up- literally threw them up. because of guilt. because of added anxiety, added stress, and added insecurities.

- i was one of those people who would take the subway or the bus, without any idea where i'm heading to. the actual movement of getting farther away from a point of origin allowed me to believe i was leaving my unwanted, unliked and unloved self behind... i would go around in circles, get down on any stop, walk some more, and try to lose myself in the crowd. there wasn't anyone in this world who liked me less than myself.

- i was one of those people who used books as an assylum against the real world. because the real world was that of me, alone.

- i was one of those who had to turn into an automaton: with no feelings, having no senses... my life was strictly about reaching goals and getting to my ennumerated objectives. i didn't feel the coldness, the dampness, the heat... the only thing that got through me was the sunshine, a reminiscent of my homeland.

- i was one of those who placed a bad bet on the game of love, and lost. and drunk and smoked and drunk some more.

- i was one of those who trekked hills and climbed mountains to be able to shout out loud and scream all that i needed the world to know.

you'd think that with all of these, i would cease to be judgemental and i would acquire a greater perspective in life. you'd think i'd be more understanding and sympathetic to those who surround me. you'd think i'd feel more empathy towards my peers. it's sad, but i am still judgemental, i still find it hard to think out of the box, and i still lack understanding.

you'd think that with the experience, i'd be able to put myself into someone else's shoes and not be too quick to judge. but sadly, still i find it easier to be prejudiced and be biased. i still have a lot to learn.

it's not only because the year is ending; it's not only because i want something in exchange... it's because these past three years i have received so much amount of love and understanding, that i want to pass them on. love has to flow, it must not be kept prisoner for one's sole enjoyment; understanding has to be passed on, one is understood as one must understand. it's not good to just receive without giving. i must learn to be a conductor of positivity; think, feel and act with goodness, not just for what i could get in return, but for my own peace of mind.

i can't say i'm getting there. but i'm taking babysteps to become a better person. 

I suppose life's just like this. Another opportunity comes your way, you grab it and hope for the best. It may come out right, which will make you proud and will make you believe you're the best and that you deserve it and that it's meant to be. But then again it may also come out... not wrong, but exactly not the way you wanted it. So you mope, you think you're a loser and wonder if ever you'll get another shot at life again. OF COURSE YOU WILL. Luck accompanies those who work their way to find it; opportunity knocks the doors of those who are ready. And when things don't go the way you wanted, you should just consider it not as a chance wasted, but a door opening to something better, something bigger, something you deserve more.

Actually it was yesterday when i learned that:

1.) Nothing heals past wounds better than constant caring, unconditional loving and infinite understanding.

2.) Everybody has the right to sit still and think about the next move. Like in a chessgame.

3.) Everybody has the right to be given as much chances after having committed a million mistakes.

4.) It is only a mistake if you: a) step someone along the way b) your conscience doesn't let you sleep well. Everybody in his right mind has a conscience. If someone doesn't, then he should be in a psychiatric unit.

5.) Energies of the same kind attract: happiness to happiness, positivity to positivity, pessimism to pessimism, etc...

6.) You don't need to give explanations to people who have little presence in your life. Sad.

7.) Good karma knows who to visit. Always.

sulong pa rin tayo mga kaibigan! patuloy lang ang paghahanap ng swerte... ang taong naghahanap, may pasensya at may tyaga, nagagantimpalaan.

hindi na mahalaga ang satsat ng iba, basta't malinis ang kunsensya at walang naa-apakan. huwag tayo dapat mapanghinaan ng loob dahil sa mga panghuhusga at pamimintas... tayo lang ang nakaka-alam ng saloobin natin at hindi natin kailangan laging magpaliwanag.

magbilang na lang tayo ng biyaya...

pasitib (positive) lang lagi mga chong!

list of what i feel:

- para akong nagduduyan sa limbo

- kasing sakit ng pagbagsak mula sa isang skyscraper

- talunan

- napipikon na naiinis na ewan

- discouraged

- ayaw lumabas ng bahay

gamot:

- encouraging words from carlos

- never-ending hugs from carlos

- spaghetti, luto ni carlos

- proposal ni yazmina: mag-shopping sa outlet stores

- asian food kagabi

- tequila sunrise kagabi

- loooooooong walk in madrid kagabi

- mahabang pasensya, kasabay ng paniniwalang lilipas din ito

today i learned a very important lesson: when you have the right person beside you, anything could be overcome.

kanina para kaming namatayan ni carlos: magkayakap sa sofa, masyadong seryoso... ako maluha-luha, sya hinahaplos ang buhok ko- dahil chini-cheer up nya ako. masyado kasi akong nalungkot. sa totoo lang, no big deal lang yun eh. marami pang opportunities na darating sa buhay ko. alam ko dahil sa statistics. 25 pa lang ako, at kung maka-abot ako sa average lifespan ng 80, pihado, marami pang mga pagkakataong dadaan sa harapan ko. my point is, kahit mabigat pa rin ang nadarama ko, may karamay na ako. it doesn't matter how trifle the issue is. kahit kagat pa ng langgam yan.

dati dahil sa kalagayan ko, nagpaka-lakas ako at nagpaka-tatag para dalhin kong mag-isa ang problema ko, ang mga hinanakit ko. paano ba naman, kadalasan pag may pinagsabihan ka, ikaw pa palalabasing tanga. kundi ka sesermunan, iisnabin. hay! pero ngayon na-realize ko, masarap pala yung may kasalo, may karamay.

ngayon nalaman kong hindi na mahalagang magpaka-superwoman ako sa career ko o sa sambayanan. ang mahalaga lang eh gawin ko ang best na kaya ko para walang sisihan in the future. at kapag di nagwagi, tawagan mo ang usual na sandalan mo at mag-inuman kayo.

maswerte pa rin ako. maraming taong nagtatagumpay, sunud-sunod ang dating ng materyal na biyaya, pero wala naman silang ka-share. boring din.

medyo magulo pa ang isip ko kasi nga puro emotions pa ako ngayon. pero gusto ko lang i-share ang lesson na natutunan ko ngayong araw na ito. mawawala rin ang lungkot na ito. and by that time, malilibre ko na ng masarap at malamig na gin tonic si carlos sa isang blues bar dito sa madrid.

* Furniture

When I first moved in with Carlos, getting a bed was our priority. All of our appliances and the little furniture that we got, were either borrowed, or salvaged from somebody's attic. Since we didn't have a bed yet, we had to sleep in a tiny mattress for 15 days straight. Still, we were lucky to have a bed base, so we didn't have to sleep on the floor.

The bed was essential for us because it would guarantee a good night's rest- important for working people.

* Food

White boiled rice has been our staple food for two years now. Sure, at times we eat pasta, bread, potatoes and chinese noodles. But we don't go as far as one week without eating rice. I'm proud to say that Carlos has adjusted well to it. He has accepted it very easily and with so much grace... okay, he still eats it with bread, but that's not the point.

Chicken adobo is our "special occasion" food. It's easy to make for me, and both Carlos and I love it... with boiled rice, of course.

* Habits

The small town where we live in provides a lot of habit-forming nooks and crannies. For instance, walking downtown or uphill is a must, if we want to de-stress and spend cheap, quality time with each other. It's a very simple pastime, but also very rewarding. It's the time of the day when we get to know more about each other, discover the other's take on things, and sometimes, just be quiet with each other.

For me, living in a town as small as this has its own charms. As modernized as it is becoming as of this very minute, there are still small shops of all kinds: meat shop, the grocer's, small and cozy bars and cafés, candy stores... I find it necessary to take a stop at one or all of those places and observe and be absorbed with the surroundings. You are treated with warmth, familiarity, hospitality, and the service is usually friendlier. It's very easy to leave your routinary life behind and get lost in the idle chat, teasings and the old people's debates on different things ranging from the proper preparation of "cocido" (typical Spanish stew) to politics (of course).

Every once in a while, I let Carlos spoil me by letting him cook dinner while I lay on the couch watching whatever junk the TV has to offer. That, too, is necessary to keep me sane.

******************************************************************************

As time passes by, one outgrows certain feelings of "necessity" over a furniture, a type of food, or a habit. Another one might take its place, but sometimes, it's just left behind as one of those "Do you remember when we used to...?" elements.

I'm continuing to know myself better. And I've come to realize that there were a few essentials that I left out.

Hugs is one of them. I was five when my parents separated: no hugs from my father, and my mother was busy working to sustain me... so, I guess not much of hugs from her side, too. I don't know why, but I only remembered being tightly hugged whenever my Auntie Luz goes to the Philippines for a visit; it was always a treat. But right now, I am glad to have Carlos as my never-ending fountaing of hugs.

Feeling too much is something very unnecessary, but in one way or another, it seeped into me. Nothing good ever comes out of feeling too much. But nobody ever told me that it's okay not to feel too much. Every emotion, every sensation I had was always magnified... as a teen-ager, nobody ever stopped and bothered to explain that we should just let some things pass. And that past is past. So now, I am trying to outgrow this useless aspect in my life and replace it with something better.

On the other hand, talking things out is one "must" that I have not outgrown. And I hope never to do so. It's one outlet that I have wherein I could fully express myself (yes, I've started using bad words in front of Carlos) with the people I trust and be rest assured that I am not being judged; rather, I am being understood.

In my life, these are things that I must always have. These are the things that keep me going. Sure, money is important to live comfortably. And I've gone through times when there wasn't enough of that to go around. It sure was stressful. But at the end of the day, I was still lucky to have three meals a day and clothes to wear and shelter to live in. I think priorities should be weighed. And with that, I mean that I am trying to give more importane to the spiritual necessities than the material ones.

I've been living in Spain for eight years now; and although considered as one of the "more backward" countries of western Europe, I consider Spain as modern. After all, what have I got to compare it with, but the Philippines, right? And because of that, I can't help but wonder about some things that I've been observing since then. Yes, they're materially modern, but what about the non-material aspects of life? I think that an 8-year background is enough for a simple description in a blog... don't you?

So many things have caught my attention society-wise. It would be useless to talk about the Spanish people on a personal basis because each one is unique in their own way, and therefore, there would be nothing special about this entry. What is interesting is the behaviour of the youth, as the sum of various individuals around my age, interacting and surviving among one another.

1. Reaction to birthdays: I love birthdays, specially my own. It's always been a good excuse to have a big, moist, delicious cake. On the other hand, people here apparently "are not fond" (very word used in conversations) of birthdays because it reminds them of how old they're getting (duh). I even know more than a couple of people who get depressed during their birthdays! I was 20 during that time, and I used to tell my friends how I don't mind getting old. This is what they had to say, "Wait till you're 25 and we'll see how you feel by then." The truth? I celebrated my 25th birthday in the most unique way and I can't wait to celebrate my 26th!!

I've always had a feeling that age, just like time, dates, prices... they're just numbers. You are what you are and it's how you carry yourself that counts. Okay, honestly speaking, I am grateful for my wonderful genes because I still look 19 (according to a 9-year old girl... ahem!) and I know that if I just moisturize my skin enough, I could delay the appearance of wrinkles. But, appearance aside, it matters little how you look like. Really, no kidding, it has been tested and re-tested: it's the inner beauty that counts. It doesn't matter how physically unfortunate you are, but if you have a clean conscience, good thoughts, kind words and confidence, I think that's enough.

I have to probe deeper and see why there is such faults are found on birthdays. Sometimes I think that more than reminding them of their age, maybe they are reminded of some other things that are more difficult to describe: broken dreams, goals unreached, stagnant life, "what-have-i-done-all-this-time?" thoughts... I suspect it's something deeper and more essential than just a mere increase of a number.

2. Their take on sex: I have asked Carlos over and over why people our age are mostly engrossed about the idea of sex. When I was in college, my classmates would always talk openly about it and they would consider me the "monja de clausura" (closed-order nun) because I make faces. NO, I don't have any problems with sex and discussing sex, and sex jokes, or the likes. My problem lies on the fact that they were doing it crudely. No tact at all, no sensitivity, and they were actually being very vulgar. Carlos' take on that? He said that Spain is now experiencing a kind of freedom never known ever since the Civil War. When the dictator Franco started, well, dictating (haha!), no, ruling, he imposed very strict censorship of all kinds. So according to him, this society is sort of venting out all the repressed ideas and emotions about sex.

But then I got to thinking: more things were also strictly censored at that time, just like talking about politics, Darwin's theories... I don't know... why aren't they so fervent on talking about it, too?

My take on that? In one way or another, in their minds, they have formed a positive and direct correlation with sex and maturity. My peers seemed to think that matured, cultured and modern persons talk about sex openly, with anyone, anywhere and anytime.

It was good to know that friends who surround me now don't think the same. But it's still quite disturbing to think that there exists a group of people who do.

3. On friendship: It's amazing how well you could get along with the Spanish when it comes to partying, bar-hopping, dancing... as long as it's fiesta, fiesta, fiestaaaaa!! But it stays just right there. It's quite hard to have a deeper and more personal relationship with them. It actually took me years to identify persons who are friend materials for me, but the reward is I still have them until now.

The thing is, they're always in for fun and enjoyment. But it seems harder for them to be serious... hahaha! I've talked to a former classmate about this. We've been friends along with other colleagues for a few years back then, and I asked him why conversations are always superficial, never touching the personal aspect. He said that they just don't care. Not that they don't care about their friends, it's just that they, themselves, care little about it. He put it this way "I just give little importance to many things in life. I try to be happy and content with what I have. You may call it conformism." A-ha!

4. On success and failure: Only few people have been honest to me about their failures. Most of the ones I meet always have this façade announcing how happy, how sucessful and how fulfilled they are with absolutely everything in life. It's as if failure is such a great shame for them, and only success stories are accepted in social gatherings.

With this, I'm not saying that we should pour our hearts out in recounting battles and struggles and showing off our scars. But failure is part of life. Why shouldn't it be told and appreciated as well? I understand that there are some things that should be kept private such as family matters, but some things are not at all harmful when shared.

On the other hand, I highly appreciate and admire people who know how to handle themselves. What I mean is "poise under pressure". What I'm trying to criticize here is the fact that it's so obvious how most people just try to appear perfect, and honestly? It's sickening. Because people who are perfectly happy and perfectly content and perfectly fulfilled don't go on their backs talking sh*t about others. You just let them be. And that's what I'm trying to say: most people never talk about their petty dilemmas, but they always try to trigger other person's problems.

For me, you don't even have to say or show or even hint about your present state. It's just supposed to show. Less show-off please.

And they should know that failures should be seen as an opportunity to make things better.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand NO, i'm not talking about the upcoming romantic autumn here in madrid. it's actually synonymous to "another chapter", "another page" or "the next step"...

a month ago, a friend got married. yep, the M word. she's the first one to get married among all my friends. in other words, she "inaugurated" the wedding season. after all, we're all above 25 (i'm actually the youngest, tee hee!), most of us have partners (save for a couple of couch potatoes and board-game freaks), half of us have stable jobs (mostly doctors, engineers and 10+ underpaid, under-employed, wide-eyed, innocent kids... sigh!) and well, you can't deny that for decades now, it has been considered "the right age" to settle down.

i admit, i was all-pensive and agitated during the two weeks that preceded the ceremony because first, it started to dawn on me that people are actually committed enough (or crazy enough!) to get tied down. and what, with all the expenses that a wedding would bring! and then, (and this is where i got agitated) i started thinking about it, putting myself in ana's shoes, and i admit, it felt exciting!

when the day came, carlos and i went to the city hall to witness the event. it was really very simple. only family and friends were invited, maybe the numbers didn't even reach 40 guests. (we weren't guests, we just went to the ceremony to give our support.) and you know what? it was one of the sincerest, loveliest, nicest and most heartfelt wedding i've ever been to.

to start with, the bride wasn't wearing the typical white gown. she was wearing a maroon, spaghetti-strapped satin dress and black high-heeled sandals. she had a very comfortable-looking coiffure and her bouquet, was white,small and dainty. the groom was wearing a navy-blue coat and tie and he didn't give a hint of being nervous at all.

speeches were pronounced to wish the young couple all the best, the judge gave the usual "According to article blah, section blah point blab, paragraph blah, in the Spanish Constitution, blah blah blah"... and prayers were also said, mind you.

no rings were exchanged. but the groom gave the bride a very elegant white-gold necklace with diamonds and the bride gave him a very expensive-looking camera.

at that moment, i started to doubt my OWN DOUBTS about getting married. i don't honestly know if i'm into the idea or not. maybe let's just say i'm more open to the possibility. weddings don't have to be pretentious. in fact, my parents got married in the church, but only family members were invited- as in, me, silayan, my grandparents, my uncles and aunts... you can't really have it any simpler. no rings either!

i don't know... maybe i'mn getting caught up in the fever of the moment... maybe i'm getting attracted to the idea of wearing a nice dress, getting made up...

sometimes i think of this as a reaction to when i was younger and wasn't able to participate in "flores de mayo", or "little miss barangay"... heck, i didn't even have an 18th birthday party! sooo... i really am not sure if what i want is to have the chance to parade around in a nice dress, or, really take the step and be legally and socially tied down to a single partner for my whole, long, life... HAHAHAHA!! praning!

bleh!

back to real life. i don't have onions and i still have to do some chores...

it seems that within my last two entries, the only topic i've touched is about leaving people, crossing them out of your life, ignoring them... call it as you wish. the bottomline doesn't change: i believe it's necessary to sweep out those who don't contribute to me being a better citizen/human being/rational animal.

i guess i should write about some kind of twist- a twist that has made me decide to take someone in.

it has been more than two years since i've taken carlos in my life, after he has taken me in his. that was great. actually, beyond great- no word has been invented for it yet!

it has been more than eight years since i've let alberto in my life without any kind of forced commitment in exchange for the company. it was like some sort of an emotional cushion for me.

it has been more than eight years since i've willingly and thankfully accepted fatima as a sister, a soulmate, a voice of reason and an official hugger. i have not regretted it for one moment.

lately, all i've actually done is tick off people from my social agenda. and i still have to decide which of the two is the more difficult task: whether making friends or "unmaking" contacts.

as i'm growing older, i just realized how much more i am comfortable with keeping a few close and trustworthy friends than maintaining a whole bunch of acquaintances. i mean, not all of those acquaintances could be your friends. come on, face it.

the latest addition to my little social circle is carlos' bgf and her bf. hihi, it's actually fun to hang out with them and double date, double dinner... and i'm hoping not to jinx it.

i may also be a tough person to relate with. no question about that. add to that my natural tendency to attract emotionally unstable earthlings... baaaaaad combination.

the twist, i think, is the mere intent from my part in trying not to be aloof, and at the same time have the least amount of attachment to people who are not really worth it.

ambot. lay klaro...

nagkita kami kahapon ng bespren kong si alberto. college pa lang, close na kami.

sa totoo lang, nagsimula ang lahat dahil sa isang sekswal na pang-akit. oiiiiiiii, disiotso lang ako noon at bentedos naman sya... walang sisihan! sino ba namang di mabibighani sa tangkad nya? bukod doon, makisig sya, matipuno ang katawan, mapupungay ang mga mata at kulay blue-green pa!

pero hindi lang iyon ang nakita ko sa kanya. siya kasi yung taong maaasahan. basta kaya nya, gagawin nya para sa isang kaibigan. at maraming beses na nyang napatunayan ito sa akin. umabot pa nga sa puntong, sa gitna ng paglalambutsingan nila ng gf nya, sinagot pa rin nya ang tawag ko. oo, OA na yon... pero tingin ko, dahil wala syang kapatid na babae, ako na lang ang tinuturing nyang ganoon.

marami na ring nagtanong kung ni minsan ba hindi kami natukso sa isa't-isa. sa parte ko, dati. hahaha! pero nung maintindihan kong pagkakaibigan lang ang nakatakda para sa amin, nag-cold shower na ko! hahaha! sa parte naman nya, siguro may isang bes na may naisip syang gawin, may naisip syang "move" kumbaga. iniwasan ko na lang. bakit ko pa ba naman sisirain ang napaka-gandang samahan dahil lang sa panandaliang ligaya?

at isa pa, may kasama na ako sa buhay. para sa akin kasi, walang kapatawaran ang pangangaliwa (uy, nagsalita ng tapos!). dyan kami madalas magtalo- para sa kanya, natural lang ang pangangaliwa, at minsan ay "necessary" pa raw para bigyang-buhay ang isang relasyon. para sa akin, hindi. ewangko lang... malay natin, nagpapaka-perpekta ako rito tapos sa hinaharap, matukso rin, diba?


iyan din naman ang problema nya: magte-trenta na sya pero single pa rin sya. palibhasa kasi, mali-mali ang mga lugar kung saan sya naghahanap... sa gym, sa disco, sa modelling agency... ano ba namang klaseng tao ang makikita mo roon? karamihan (hindi lahat, huh?! wag magalit!) mabababaw lang at puro panlabas na kaanyuan lang ang mahalaga sa kanila. hindi sila nagi-exert ng effort para maging mas mabubuting mamamayan, o para madagdagan ang kaalaman nila. o, eh di pag panlimang date na, sawa na si bespren...

minsan naa-awa ako sa kanya. hindi nya maunawaang kasama ko si carlos dahil mahal ko sya. nata-touch sya, pero hindi nya maunawaan kung bakit hindi ko na matitignan eye to eye ang bf ko kapag nakipag-fling ako sa iba...

sa tagal ng pagkakaibigan namin, maikaka-proud kong sabihin na ako lang ang kaisa-isang babaeng kaibigan nyang hindi nya naikama. ibig sabihin, ang pagkakaibigan namin ay wagas (!!), at kahit hindi man kami inosenteng mga tao, tapat ang hangarin namin sa isa't-isa; at iyon ay ang pagiging tunay na kaibigan mapasama o mapabuti man, mapalungkot o mapasaya man...

siguro gusto ko lang patunayan na ang isang babae at isang lalaki ay maaaring maging magkaibigan nang walang ilangan. siguro gusto ko lang patotohanang iba't-ibang uri ng pagmamahalan ang maaaring pagsaluhan ng isang babae at isang lalaki. siguro dati, nangarap pa ako. siguro rin, dati, nag-try hard talaga ako. pero ang buhay, maraming liku-liko... ngayon, 100% kung masasabing nagpapasalamat ako dahil hindi kami nagkatuluyan, kahit fling lang. kasi, ang kapalit naman noon, isang mapagmahal na bf at isang tunay na kaibigan. mayaman ako sa pagmamahal.

i used to be a sponge.

i've always remembered giving solicited and unsolicited advice to people, even before reaching my teenage years. i guess they- ranging from family, friends, neighbors, household help and acquaintances- like my objective, sensible and comical replies to their dilemmas. then i turned 18.  i guess that's where it all began. it wasn't really a huge revelation that consisted of light shows and drumrolls. but i remember starting to feel "heavy in the heart" when i was 18. and it was minnie (not her real name) that caused such distress.

it was a time in my life when i wasn't contented to lend an ear, a shoulder, or a helping hand to those in need. automatically, as if there were no buttons nor plugs to be pulled, i started absorbing people's emotions: anger, pain, frustration, happiness, pride, loneliness... all except lust and hunger, i think. minnie would tell me how she hated her life in madrid (she's not spanish), how she's such a victim of a failed (school) administration, how she's mad at this or that girl because they got better grades than her while using her class notes...

the problem is, not only have i become a sponge- she, herself is a leech. the energy she projects, the vibes that emmanate from her being do nothing but absorb your vitality. yes, i believe some people have that tendency without being a monster. it's just the way they think, the way they act, and the way they see the world. so, on one hand, i was absorbing her negativity and on the other, she was sucking my positivity. double-edged, huh?

it's been five or four years now since i've decided to stop being a sponge. it required too much of my energy and it wasn't doing anyone any good. minnie will always be embittered, and i will only be burying myself in other people's miseries. not fair at all.

however, it's only been a week since i've decided to stay away from those emotional leeches that hound this world. true, minnie and i haven't seen each other for a long time (whew!) but i had other so-called friends.

exactly a week ago, i had to evaluate the meaning i gave to the term "friends" when applied to a certain person- carrie (not her real name). her story started to revolve around her lousy boyfriend since we were 17. and guess what? 8 years have passed and she hasn't moved forward. she still has the same lousy boyfriend, she still thinks her mom is a witch and, that i'm the only one who sticks with her while all of her childhood/teen friends have left her. even her own sister can't stand her anymore!

and so it goes... year after year, after year of listening to her yak about the same old stuff. until one day, three years ago, i told her i'm sick and tired of her always talking about the same problems, never getting anywhere specially with her boyfriend. so i asked her to stop contacting me until she's fine. and well, eventually she did! and i welcomed her with open arms thinking she's a new carrie... NOT!

two years have passed since that incident. and now, not only does she goes on with the same tattered song, but she never tells me anything happy ANYMORE.

now, THAT'S when i decided to evaluate the meaning she gives on "friendship". because honestly? more than a friend, she rather treats me like her own, personal psychologist FOR FREE! and you know what? i just got tired of it. just like that. one afternoon, waking up from my siesta, i felt a pang of emotional fatigue.

so now, i am letting go of an excess baggage, of an emotional leech. for my own good. why? because i don't want to be like her. i don't want to turn into someone who's always complaining about the same person to everyone she meets. i'm too cheerful a person to have that kind of gloom in my life.

sorry, but i need to do this. not to set an example, but to prove that there is ALWAYS a choice. it may be better or worse, but a choice, there will always be. and this time, i chose myself.

wehehee!!

mahabang pasensya
malaking abala
matayog na pangarap
malalim na pag-iisip
maraming pasasalamat

mga bagay na pilit sinusukat
may pilit pinatutunayan
parang dapat patotohanan
ang lahat

anong pangangailangan
ang mapupunan?

is there such a thing as being "too sad"? just like the terms "too sweet", "too bitter", "too much"...?

it's been so long since i've felt like this again: a stinky, useless trash. after all that's said, and done, what's asked and answered... it's unfair... you give your 100%, and in exchange, you are supposed to be comforted by the fact that others will "just try". you are misunderstood, and when you explain, no slight effort is even made for compromise, nor reconciliation.

no, it's not alright. no, i'm not fine. no, i can't be okay with an uphill, one-sided battle. i can't be the only one responsible for the repair when the damage was done with others' consent.

i don't deserve this. for such a long time, i've been such a conformist- i've been such a fool to think that maybe it's the best i could find, the best i could do. but no, it's not. i don't deserve to feel like a used tissue paper, i don't deserve to feel emotionally battered, i don't deserve to feel like "some one else"... i don't, i don't, i don't.

i don't want to be in this place anymore. i need to move, i need to grow, i need to go away.

the thing is, i am, and will forever be a fool. i will always and forever be believing anything that would bring me closer to hope- hope for the better, hope for some kind of return, some kind of warmth, some kind of comfort, some kind of light... whatever it is that would bring me back to my sanity, that which would stop me from feeling ashamed of myself for letting me lose so much...

i didn't want another chance. i just want this to end, doesn't matter how. but when chance was presented to me, it was too irresistable to ignore. the promise of everything better, brighter, and quieter... enough to make the pain ebb a little.

some lessons ought to be learned. the wounds, though, still prove to be open and bleeding.

empty, vacant, bare, clean, clear, plain, void, bare, barren, spotless, unfilled, uncompleted, vacuous, white, deadpan, dull, fruitless, hollow, inmobile, impassive, inane, inexpressive, inscrutable, lifeless, meaningless, vague, abyss, cavity, CHASM, gap, gulf, emptiness, hiatus, hole, hollowness, interstice, interval, lacuna, nihility, nothingness, nullity, omission, opening, preterition, pretermission, skip, vacuum, womb, vacuity, caisson, distance, quad, infinite, coffer, fatuous, asinine, 

vaya puta vida...

third quarter pa lang ng taon, may resolution na ako. siguro masasabi mong, "new-season" resolution. sabi ko sa sarili ko, pipilitin kong maging mas mabuting tao. dati kasi, isa akong BITCH. masyado akong radikal sa mga prinsipyo ko. laging itim o puti lagi ang paningin ko at ang kinatatayuan ko. walang grey. ako yung tipo ng taong, walang pasensya, isang atraso, TAPOS. ang taong mag-aksaya ng oras ko (dahil late dumating o dahil hindi nagawa ang pinangakong gagawin), binubura ko sa mga contact lists ko. masyado akong prangka. lagi kong sinasabi ang laman ng utak ko. hindi ako nahihiya. sa ganoong aspeto, walang hiya ako.

tapos nakilala ko si carlos. isang taong total ang kabaligtaran ng aking pag-uugali. na-inspire nya akong magbago, in a way.

ngayon, sinusubukan kong mas habaan ang pasensya ko. hindi na ako 100% serious sa trabaho, laging may margin para magkape o mag-beer.

pero ang hirap. ang initial reaction ko lagi, makipag-banggaan, confrontations at kung pwede, violent reactions. laging kilay ko ang unang napapataas. oo, nahihirapan akong maging isang mas mabait na taumbayan.

kung bakit ako nagdesisyong magpakabuti, hindi ko rin alam. siguro talagang ganito ang pag-ibig. sa katunayan, walang dahilan kasi mahal ako ni carlos kung ano ako. pero na-realize ko, siguro it's worth a try.

pero sa ngayon, nayayanig ang mundo ko. may mga kontrabidang humahadlang sa gusto kong maabot na ambisyon. may mga kumu-kuntsaba at nagsasabotahe sa walang-lamat at walang-bahid na estrukturang naitayo at naitatag na.

alam ko, naiinggit sila. alam ko, sinasadya nilang tisurin ako upang mababoy ang aking pinagpaguran.

at hindi ako makapapayag ng ganyan. walang makakahadlang sa layunin ko.

akala nila, ganito lang ako, maliit (cute), pangiti-ngiti, patawa-tawa, sakay lang sa lahat...

kung gusto nila ng tisuran, sasagasaan ko sila ng bulldozer; kung gusto nila ng talikurang saksakan, tatadtarin ko ng balisong ang mga pagmumukha nila; kung gusto nilang isupalpal sa harapan ko ang mga katotohanang binabaluktot nila, bubugahan ko sila ng apoy... lahat ibabalik ko sa kanila ng pa-balibag at doble. hindi ako makapaghihintay sa paghuhukom ng mga mas nakatataas.

tinawag nila ang devil in me. wag silang mag-alala, mami-meet din nila.